I went through some insane growth last year. Personal growth. The kind of introspection that cracks you wide open, and you’ve been so used to it being dark that, even though you’re grateful for the light, it’s blinding and, quite frankly, annoying at first.
I was morphing, growing, evolving so fast that I was writing things in my journal and within two weeks, would read back through it and was floored that I’d ever believed or felt the way I did then.
But I was “supposed” to be putting stuff out there. Establishing myself as an “expert” with a “message.”
I wasn’t an expert! I was like a 5 year old kid that gets those insane growing pains in the back of the knees and then wakes up the next day to pants that are way too short.
Every time I tried something on, it fit for about two days.
Therein lies the problem though. I was trying things on. I was putting on strategies and personas and methods and tactics (truth be told, I still geek out over that stuff), completely uncomfortable with the idea of being naked (proverbially… no need to call my mother and tell her I’ve picked up a new line of work).
Vulnerability has come up a lot for me recently. With friends, mentors, my husband. See I’ve always considered myself to be open and honest. Hilariously self-deprecating. Willing to share my mess. What I didn’t realize is that it was always on my terms. With a carefully chosen, vetted, and prequalified group of people.
A bit like saying you don’t have a problem disrobing to do the deed… in front of your partner of 15 years… in the dark… when he (and you) have had a few drinks.
That doesn’t really count.
And so, at 1 AM, I’m writing this from my phone because I drew a line in the fucking sand, and am publishing my first blog post in 14 months. Without you or me having beer goggles on. Because vulnerability is about being present.
So here I am.
Apparently this went well enough that I went ahead and published another blog post the next day, about consistency, guilt, commitment, things like that. It’s related to this. You should go read it here.